BARELY SINGLE

I have spent a shockingly large majority of the last seven or so years as someone’s girlfriend, since my first boyfriend in year 8. Some friends and I were discussing dating history and totalled up the number of months we had spent in relationships, and mine shocked me. What’s more, even in the time between there was always someone on my mind, someone I was pursuing or casually dating. Even in between relationships I was barely single. Dating and spending a lot of time as someone’s partner is certainly not inherently a bad thing, but I know myself, I know my heart, and I know this has happened for not the healthiest of reasons.

Time Alone

At the start of my last relationship I commented to friends what strange timing it was as I wasn’t looking for anything serious at the time. Of course, they swiftly reminded me of the number of people I had been on dates with in the months preceding it, that would strongly suggest otherwise.  

But that’s just dating? That’s different, right? Sorry, what did you think dating was for?? I mean, I’m a celibate Christian, allegedly ‘not looking for a relationship’. What did I hope to gain from dating?

Attention. 

Affirmation. 

Entertainment, quite frankly.

Now I am a people person, I love meeting new people and, let’s be honest, I’m a flirt! So dating is quite a fun, interesting, almost-innocent game for an outgoing person like myself. But I think if I’m really honest I’m just not keen on it just being me. I like having someone else to share time with, to comfort and compliment me when I’m down. And no, they are not the worst things in the world to desire, certainly not. But to need them?

“Single” sounded daunting and boring and lonely, to me. I have spent so long being introduced and known as X’s girlfriend, I’m not even sure what I’m like stripped back and unattached – let alone if I like her.

Being alone really shouldn’t seem such an awful prospect. Desiring marriage and children is one thing, but to desire not being single is so unhealthy. In this season of singleness, I want to make the most of my time alone, to learn to be content with who I am when there is no romantic partner to validate my desirability.

Time to Heal

Does God really love me though? Can He know me entirely and still love me? Did He really die on the cross for me? Surely, I wasn’t worth what it cost Him? Surely, He would be better off without me?

These are the questions and fears that fill my prayers and my journal. No wonder I find “I love you” so hard to believe when it comes from human lips.

As vulnerable as that is to type I know I am not the only one with these fears. I know that rings true with some of you.

A relationship where you doubt your partner’s affection for you is not a healthy one, and I regularly doubt Jesus’s affection for me. My relationship with Jesus is the most significant and important relationship I will ever be part of. Do you think maybe it’s worth investing some time into it? Marriage is only “’til death do us part”, we will spend an eternity with God, single. 

I need to be content with who I am, simply as I am.

 No one ever steps away from a break-up unscathed. (If you read that and disagreed, please stop bottling it, it’s not healthy!) Relationships, whether platonic or romantic or otherwise, are messy! We get hurt, we learn, we grow. Yeah, it can suck! But don’t pretend a life of isolation is worth it, just to avoid the risk of vulnerability or pain. We were made in the image of a relational, trinitarian God – we were made to be in relationship. It is worth the pain, but it doesn’t make it any less painful, and pain takes time to heal.

If or when I ever find myself as someone’s partner again, I want to be a healthy addition to their life. I want to be able to trust them and their affection for me, to care for them without fear and reservation. I want to reflect Christ and encourage them towards Christ and love them because Christ first loved us. I say this not to self-deprecate; I will never be perfect – if I am waiting for perfection before I allow myself to date again, I will be waiting forever. Out of love and respect for any future partner, I want to be able to offer them a woman who, though deeply flawed, is confident in her identity in Christ, as I would desire in anyone I chose to commit to.

Time to Grow

Do you know that He is jealous for you? When Jesus took the cross, He effectively paid your entry fee to heaven, because He couldn’t bare to be there without you. He adores you. He wants your time. He wants you all to Himself.

(source: YouVersion bible app)

A spouse and family seem like such a given to so many of us, particularly in Christian communities. We talk about when we get married one day, not if. Paul wasn’t the only one to encourage Christians to stay single for the sake of the faith, Jesus said this Himself. Have you ever considered this, ever entertained the idea of sacrificing your dreams of marriage and children to Christ? I sure hadn’t. I am not making any promises that this is something I could accept, but I have a responsibility- I have been asked by Jesus to consider it. Whether I am single for a few months, a few years, or a lifetime, I intend to use this season of singleness to “intentionally live like a eunuch for the sake of the kingdom of heaven”.

In my notes under this line I began to jot notes of people, places and mission fields that my heart breaks for, and where I sense God is calling me to. I had to stop myself before I ran out of room for notes for the rest of the post… Friends, we live in a hurting, broken world that is crying out for people to carry the light of Jesus Christ into the darkest corners of the earth. Relationships take time and effort and right now I have the gift of singleness, I have time on my hands that are not promised to a partner. I have time to invest in friends, in church, in reaching the least, the last and the lost, and I have no intention of wasting it.

But more importantly than that, I have time to invest in Him. I have time to invest in my personal relationship with Jesus. He is jealous for me. I am reminded of the moment when God commanded Elijah to go out and stand in the presence of the Lord. Before his eyes, Elijah witnessed “a great and powerful wind tear the mountains apart and shatter the rocks”, then an earthquake, then a fire, and the Lord was in none of them. Then, the presence of the Lord came in a gentle whisper. Pastor Erwin summarised it so beautifully at Hillsong Colour Conference this year. He said, “He does the spectacular, but He isn’t in the spectacular. He is an intimate God. 

"He desires that we draw so near to Him that He can whisper to our soul” 

That’s the cry of my heart in this season, that I may invest my time in drawing so near to Jesus that He whispers to my soul. That my heart would break for what breaks His, and I would hear Him when He calls me out, further than I can go in my own strength. That I would need no one else’s praise or approval but can stand firm in my identity of who I am; His beloved.

Satisfied to be Single

We’ve all heard the phrase “single and ready to mingle” and as disgustingly cringey as it may be, I think that’s what a lot of us feel when our relationship status reads “single”. Single but looking, single but just for now, single but hopefully not for too long.

Just me? I thought not.

I want to learn to be satisfied to just be single. To not see singleness as some kind of purgatory or waiting game until I get married and start a family and my life really starts. To not see the single men in my church as a dating option, but simply a brother in Christ. Nothing to gain, no emotional gaps to plug with romance and affection. Simply satisfied and content in the knowledge that I am loved – infinitely and unconditionally.