SEEKING GOD'S TRUTH IN A BREAKUP

You’ve seen the movies. A breakup means a girl crying hysterically, seeking comfort in chocolate and ice cream, tormenting herself for trusting someone with her heart, and wondering if she will ever find love again. Right? Wro- Well, actually I did get through a tub of cookie dough ice cream, so maybe Hollywood got it right.

It is hardly uncommon to criticise ourselves and pick flaws, but a breakup can bring about a whole wave of worries, flaws and failures that can damage how we identify ourselves, and leave us feeling empty and vulnerable to the enemies lies. 

At the breakdown of my relationship a flood of painful beliefs threatened to drag me under, lies that I am damaged goods, broken beyond repair and categorically unlovable. Every day it is important to hold on to God’s truth about who we are, to guard our hearts from the one who comes to steal and destroy, but never more so than at these low points where our entire identity is on the line.

But how? How on earth can you believe you are strong, beautiful and worthy of love when your circumstance contradicts that?

(source: YouVersion bible app)

God’s love is enough

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Eph 5:25). Good luck lads. God's love for us is so pure and perfect and infinitely powerful that men are to strive to love their wives as Christ loves us. We love because He first loved us, He is the example and embodiment of love. It cannot be beaten or even matched, and it certainly doesn't need topping up by a boyfriend. No matter how many people walk away or how many times you believe you are too hard to love, God's unconditional, unrelenting love will tear down the lie that we are 'unlovable', every time.

God’s validation is enough

Relationships are a place of validation, and when they break down we can turn to other things for encouragement and to feel ‘enough’. This past week God has been so clear and strict with me where I needed to be watchful and guard my heart, to avoid believing lies from unreliable sources, instead of listening to Him.

• No secular music

There are SO many breakup songs out there that focus on bitterness and brokenness. Listening and wallowing to songwriters singing of how they will never be loved like that again is just listening to and believing a destructive lie. I can know I'll be loved again, because God already does, He has and He always will! The cause of breakups can vary drastically, but turning sorrow and loneliness to anger and hatred is going to be more destructive for you and your journey with God than anything else. The bible warns us to "get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger" (Eph 4:31). Replacing secular breakup songs that cast blame on the ex, with worship music about God's unending grace gives space for healing, and for God's love to flood the space in our hearts where anger so often creeps in. My ex may no-longer be my partner, but he is still a brother in Christ. Philippians 2:2-4 challenged me to try praying for him, instead of resenting him. 

• No selfies or social media

You are beautiful because you are fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of beauty. A like on Instagram means nothing in comparison to that. I gave up selfies for Lent (a story for another time) and considered using selfies as a form of self-love and all that, but why? All the validation I need is in God’s word. Imagine if we paid as much attention to what God says about us, as we do on how many likes our last photo got.

• No dating apps

We can discuss another day whether dating apps are ever a good idea, but at least for now it felt very clear that advertising my best side online, listening to people praise my physical appearance and count the amount of interest I receive would not be healthy. More than anything, my motivation would be to replace that space that had been left in my life when the relationship ended. Don’t get me wrong, God designed us for relationship, and I am confident that my desire for a husband and family one day is a God-given desire, but I don’t need those things. Only God can satisfy, and He is already enough. In 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, Paul wishes everyone remained single like him, so they had no distraction from their mission to share the gospel! While I hope this season of singleness doesn’t last forever, I can embrace it as an opportunity to throw myself headlong into the ministries God has called me to, and I can rest in the knowledge that God alone brings full satisfaction, whether married, dating or single.

• No Pinterest

I’ve had a wedding inspiration board since I was probably 15, so it has seen a number of boyfriends come and go over the years. With the loss of a relationship comes the loss of expectations and hopes for the future. Reminders of what the perfect, ‘ideal’ wedding, lifestyle and family home look like would just be painful and unhelpful. Between crying my makeup off and wearing pyjamas most days, I really didn’t need to see and inevitably compare myself to influencers and beauty bloggers with their unattainable standard of beauty and perfection. "Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else" (Gal 6:4).

God’s word is enough

Sleep has been a struggle this past week, I have woken up most mornings empty, hurting and emotionally drained. I sit up, push back my covers and pick up my bible. One morning I had literally no idea where to start, I flicked straight to the glossary at the back and looking for a verse with ‘morning’ in and just hoped for the best:

(source: YouVersion bible app)

God draws near to (Psalm 34:18) and binds up the broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), He walks through the pain close to our side, ready and willing to carry our burdens (Psalm 55:22).

In the time I would usually spend procrastinating on Pinterest or cataloguing a good makeup day in selfies, I instead had space to dive deeper into God’s word. In the void where I would previously receive love and validation from friends, social media and my ex, God’s word had even more space to fill my heart and remind me of the woman He made - a daughter of the King.